my apologies

Now it is my turn to be unable to give you what you sorely need. I’m sorry I can’t find the magic words to wake you up.  I’m sorry you can’t see me.  I’m sorry I don’t even want to be seen.  A voice spoke, from the place where there is no Inside or Outside. […]

before i go

what can i tell you before i go? you, who will occupy this cell after me. (this cell that i wanted to take apart with my bare hands, but couldn’t.) i breathed and dreamed and pissed in the corner, and tapped the walls in case anyone could hear. i’m tapping the wall now. can you […]

blue letter

one day you get the letter you’ve been waiting for all your life, and everything it says is true. but it’s not a letter, it’s a small blue beetle in a language you can’t read. you take the beetle downstairs – the stairs you destroyed with your bare hands, the stairs you shoved back into […]

of course

Mother doesn’t like to be touched. Makes sense. She died years ago of shame and loneliness. Who might she have been, if she had felt loved? Her scattered thoughts, her failed life and leaf planted the seed in the wrong place. I feel her screams being pressed right into my bedroom window. I was burning […]

one of those days

there are weeks when you wake up every morning, and it’s someone else’s day. the wound opens again, spitting and snarling. it becomes hard to trust yourself. you wake in the boot of a car with a wild animal. and grown-ups outside saying, “don’t cry, you’ll use up all the air.” you are the darkness, the […]

how you could love me through this

You could stop making me feel invisible.  You could be willing to see how much it still hurts.  You could say that you’ve been thinking about it, and you understand why I might be angry.  You could say that you’re sorry things didn’t go differently. You could cry with me. You could listen.  You could […]

shoes

How many times have I mistaken a pair of shoes for a beloved departed cat?  A dark shape lurking just out of reach.  Is that Maxine?  No, it’s only my hiking boots. On the weekends, he’d polish the brown wingtips he wore to work during the week.  On the weekends, he’d wear his other pair of shoes: also brown, […]